Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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