Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize