My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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