Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
