I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
