Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
