I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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