my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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