I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
