I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
