I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
