If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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