3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
