My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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