So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
