my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
