In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
