It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
