He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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