I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
