smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
