Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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