I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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