I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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