guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
