I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
