I feel like abortions should bother me more
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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