matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
