I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
