I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
