paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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