Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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