It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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