i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
