Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
