so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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