Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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