So drunk, too bad you don't want this
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
