Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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