At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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