You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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