just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
