if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
