Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
