i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
