Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
