I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
