I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
