Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
