We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
