Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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