Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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