Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
