you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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