I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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