i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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