Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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