So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
